God and the World

Have you ever noticed that people tend to have a really limited view of God? Perhaps it was just the particular church I grew up in, but I used to view the world as “reality” and God as “this guy that intervened a LONG time ago but doesn’t really do much these days.” This is a very limiting view of God. It’s a comfortable view of God, though. It means he may not notice if I don’t quite do what I’m supposed to. It means I might be able to think something I shouldn’t and slip it by Him. I might be able to keep secrets from God.

Now clearly, this is NOT a Biblical position to take. God is omniscient, omnipresent, an omnipotent. There are no secrets, and he can intervene at any moment. However, it goes beyond that: God sustains and maintains the entire universe moment by moment. How can we possibly understand such a thing?

I’m a geek. Here’s a way to think about it that makes sense to me: consider a computer. Normally we think of the hardware as the “reality” and then we have an operating system and programs running in it. We tend to view God as being like a user of the computer. He can interact with it, but the programs kind of run around doing their own things. The viruses sneak around under the radar, and the office suite just does its thing.

That’s not the way I think things actually work. God isn’t a user. Users are limited. God is more like a VM server. There is no computer, just a virtual machine. EVERYTHING is running in the VM. EVERYTHING is maintained by the VM. The VM knows about every virus, every service, every peripheral, every application. None of them can function, not even the hosted OS, unless the VM lets them.

This is what God is like. He sees EVERYTHING, even if it’s a rootkit or virus. He runs EVERYTHING, even the memory is simulated and can be forced to “fail”. He can change ANYTHING, because it’s all visible and anything can be paused, rearranged, or reworked at leisure without any awareness on the part of the hosted system. This is what God is like. Total access, total awareness, total control, total ability to interrupt the normal functioning of things. Think about it.

A View on Spiritual Gifts

Consider the pilot of an F-15 fighter jet. He is in command of an advanced weapons system. It contains missiles, guns, radar, jamming, communications systems, and many other features. Now, suppose that pilot is scrambled in his jet and receives a command to fire a missile at a target. Consider what should happen: the pilot receives the order, the pilot locks onto the target, the pilot fires the missile.

Now, consider what happens in the case of Christians. We’ve been given a fantastic array of spiritual gifts to help us in a war against Satan. Despite this, we have the idea that we have only one tiny feature available to us. We’ll refuse to acknowledge God’s instructions because “we don’t have the gift of prophecy/knowledge.” That’s like the pilot refusing to acknowledge an order because “his F-15 doesn’t have a radio.” We’ll refuse to distinguish between right and wrong, truth and lies, because “we don’t have the gift of discernment.” That’s like the pilot claiming he doesn’t have targeting system or “friend or foe” identification systems. In the same way, we’ll claim we don’t have the gift of faith, healing, service, mercy, etc. That’s like a pilot claiming he has no guns or missiles.

We are not the crew of a B-52 bomber, where one person does communications, and another drops the bombs, and another flies the plane. It would be nice if that were so, but the reality is that only works when we’re in a group of believers.

When you aren’t in church, or a small group, or a Bible study, things change. When you’re at work, you may not have the luxury of offering to call Bob to come pray for a co-worker. You are needed when your co-worker is suffering. When someone is trying to con you out of your money, or get you to go someplace you shouldn’t, you may not be able to call those in your church who “have the gift of prophecy/discernment.”

Don’t get me wrong, you will have different gifts that you are more or less comfortable using, but that doesn’t mean God cannot, in His sovereign wisdom, grant you another gift or NOT grant you a gift at any given time. If a bad accident happens, any you are the only Christian in the area who believes in miraculous healing, you’re on deck! You never prayed for healing before? No problem, it’s God’s power, not yours.

By the same token, perhaps you’re used to relying on the gift of discernment to know what to do. Suddenly, you have no clue. Perhaps you don’t need discernment, but simple maturity, or mercy, or a servant heart at this time. Discernment isn’t always necessary. You don’t have to “discern” whether or not stealing is OK, for example.

Take the time to get to know what God wants you to do. Get to know how God may seek to use you for His glory. If you let God guide you, you may find out that your F-15 is the experimental model with stealth mode. Let Him guide you. It’s His gifts, through you, to others. Let yourself be used.

Are You Reading The Bible In Context?

One of the things that I’ve noticed in some sermons, and in many religious debates, is a failure to deal with passages from the Bible in context.  For example, I have discovered what is “obviously” a contradiction in the Bible!  Lev 26:4-5: “I will send you rain in its season, and the ground will yield its crops and the trees of the field their fruit.  Your threshing will continue until grape harvest and the grape harvest will continue until planting, and you will eat all the food you want and live in safety in your land.”  However, in Lev 26: 20 we find, “Your strength will be spent in vain, because your soil will not yield its crops, nor will the trees of the land yield their fruit.”

Well, now that we know the Bible does, in fact, contradict itself, it’s time for us to put away Judaism and Christianity, right?  Wrong!  If you start reading in Lev 26:1 and continue through you will discover that the first passage is part of a blessing for obedience and faithfulness to God, while the second is part of a curse for disobedience.  The context removes the apparent contradiction.  If you keep on reading, you will quickly reach a passage that should be quite familiar to Christians who live in the United States.  Lev 26:40-42: “‘But if they will confess their sins and the sins of their fathers—their treachery against me and their hostility toward me, which made me hostile toward them so that I sent them into the land of their enemies—then when their uncircumcised hearts are humbled and they pay for their sin, I will remember my covenant with Jacob and my covenant with Isaac and my covenant with Abraham, and I will remember the land.’”

I have heard this passage used many times over the years as part of a call in America for an end to abortion, a call to righteousness, and a general return to “the good old days”.  Again, this is being taken out of context.  What is the context?  God is speaking to a very particular group of people, the new nation of Israel.  He has just rescued them from Egypt, given them His law, and is preparing to lead them into a new land.  It is part of the blessings and curses we just mentioned.  What it is saying is that if the nation of Israel screws up (and they would), and they start to feel the effects of God’s discipline on them (and they would), they can repent and God will relent.  It is a declaration of God’s mercifulness.  It does not, however, have anything to do with the United States.

There are pastors in America (and probably around the world) who take passages out of context regularly.  The worst case I have seen are those pastors who will pluck a verse here and a verse there, all out of context.  They will then take the apparent meanings of those passages and apply them to a new context.  There are many, many passages in the Old Testament that do not apply to Christians directly.  There are some that can only apply to Jewish Christians, and many more that no longer apply to anyone!  I’m not Jewish; I’m a Gentile.  As a result, any promises made strictly to the nation of Israel cannot be applied to me directly.  I am guilty under the law, so some apply, but I am also saved by grace.  Nothing in the Old Testament gives me a promise of an easy life, riches, or property, however.  The nation of Israel had those promises, not me.

Now, you might be starting to think I see no value in the Old Testament.  Nothing could be further from the truth!  I have spent the last six years slowly reading through the Old Testament, Genesis to Malachi.  I have used commentaries, reread some passages in as many as eight different translations, and generally moved at a very slow pace.  During that time, I have had the pleasure of discovering the beauty of the Law.  I have discovered the wonderful rich history of the nation of Israel.  I have read beautiful poetry, and raunchy poetry (Song of Solomon).  I have read prophecies that came true long ago, prophecies about Jesus, prophecies about more than one time at once, and prophecies that have yet to come true.  I have read of the heart of God for mankind in the Old Testament.  Not all of it applies directly, but it’s very, very good!

One final word of warning: I have heard a few preachers do one thing worse.  Some will refer to a passage, not quote it, and proceed to summarize its meaning for you.  The last time I heard this happen, I looked up the passage.  The “meaning” it supposedly contained could not be gleaned from the completely unrelated passage at all!  This was one of those TV preachers who likes to ask for money a lot.  As you may have guessed, he got none of mine.

Lies and Statistics

There is an old saying, “There are lies, damned lies, and then there are statistics!”  With the current debates in the US about health care reform, this has never been more true.  The problem is actually quite simple, however.  Statistics is viewed as “science” or “math”.  It is the embodiment of “truth” and part of all that we hold dear.  It is not to be questioned!  Unfortunately, a large portion of the US population knows next to nothing about it.

In order to get some “reliable” statistics about health care in the US, I went to Michael Moore’s statistics information for his new movie, Sicko.  It can be read here.  Note, for those brave enough to read it, there is a HUGE difference between “health care” and “health insurance”.  Also note that filing bankruptcy does not, in general, destroy your life.  One quote is: “countries spending substantially less than the US have healthier populations.… The infant mortality rate for the U.S. is now higher than for
many other industrial countries” which is a quote from The Impact of Health Insurance Coverage on Health Disparities in the United States, Human Development Report, UNDP, 2005.  Are you scared for your babies yet?

So, why does this not tell us everything it seems to?  Let’s go to the CDC website for birth facts and find out.  Two facts pop out: 1) 8.3% of babies are born with low birth weight.  2) 38.5% are born to unwed mothers.  This can’t be good.  How does it compare with other countries?  Childinfo.org has some information here, but it doesn’t tell us a whole lot.  The CDC has more facts here and here.  The short version is, low birth weight is linked to high infant mortality.  So, if the US has the highest rate of low birth weights among industrial countries, then the high infant mortality rate would make sense.  Looking at the childinfo.org site, this seems to be the case.

As you start digging, you find references to the age of the birth mother as a risk factor for low birth weights.  I recall hearing a lot of discussions about teen pregnancy rates in the US over the past decade.  Could behavior be a health risk factor?  Ask the obese people suffering from heart disease!  After digging, what we can find is that a “health statistic” is not necessarily an indictment of the US health care industry.  It may be an indictment of the behaviors US citizens engage in.

There is a valid statistic that indicates the US has an unusually high infant mortality rate.  The problem is: that statistic doesn’t tell us anything.  What needs to be examined is infant mortality rates among married women in various age ranges and unmarried women in various age ranges.  Unfortunately, while the CDC has some excellent statistics for what’s happening in the US, it’s harder to get the same data for other countries.  Hint: being a teenage mother is a major risk factor for a low birth weight baby.  25-35 is the optimal age range.

Statistics are worse than lies, the tell the truth, but not the whole truth.  Unless you dig a little, you are unlikely to have the necessary information to draw a meaningful conclusion.  This gets worse when people have an agenda.  If someone presents statistics about insured and uninsured people, be suspicious.  You don’t need insurance to get health care!  The emergency room has to accept you.  If you are uninsured, have a heart attack, get saved, and file bankruptcy, that is better than being dead and financially solvent.  When someone presents a statistic, please dig a little deeper.  Ask for details, especially when they aren’t being provided in the argument.  It could make a huge difference in understanding what’s actually going on.

We Are Censoring Our Own Bible!

I have no doubt that the title of this blog will offend many people.  It’s not like we tear out Acts chapter 5 because we don’t like it, after all.  We don’t remove the messy bits in Genesis where Lot’s daughters got him drunk and raped him (located so conveniently next to the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah).  How can I say we’re censoring the Bible?

I want you to think over the many sermons you’ve heard over the years.  How many of them came from the book of Zephaniah?  When did you last hear a rousing sermon from Habakkuk?  Perhaps from Leviticus?  When it comes to preaching from the Bible, the Old Testament seems to be a second-class citizen.  Those who seek to mock Christians spend more time reading the Old Testament law than we Christians do!

How many times have you heard Christianity mocked, because we wear clothes with two different threads in them (Leviticus 19:19)?  How many times have you heard why lepers were required to shout “Unclean” (Leviticus 13:45)?  Do you even know if you’re unclean right now?  Do you know if it matters?

The reality is that, as Christians, we are not under the Law.  However, you should not be surprised if some non-Christians try to use the law against you.  Given that, it makes perfect sense that we would spend more time in the New Testament than the old.

Now, do you know any prophecies about Jesus?  OK, there’s that one chapter in Isaiah (Chapter 11).  Now, where’s the prophecy that states he would be born in Bethlehem (Micah 5:2)?  Do you know where the first prophecy about Jesus is (Genesis 3:15)?  We hear about all the prophecies that Jesus fulfilled, but we spend very little time reading them.  Worse, we spend almost no time reading them in context.

Moving on to the New Testament proper, when’s the last time you heard preach that focused on a passage from Hebrews?  I’ve heard it as a supporting passage from time to time, but I can’t recall a preaching series from Hebrews.  Let’s be honest; I Corinthians is a lot more fun!  Hebrews reads like a dissertation from seminary.  I Corinthians  talks about spiritual gifts and all that cool stuff!

I fear that there are many people who go to church every Sunday who do not read their Bibles at home.  For those people, their knowledge of the Bible will be shaped by what they hear in church.  Do they know the history of the Jewish people?  Do they know that the Jews were from the tribe of Judah, of the nation of Israel?  Do they know the time-lines of Israel’s history?  Do they know how long it took to get a king, and what a mess that was?  Do they know any kings besides Saul, David, and Solomon?  Do they know when the northern and southern kingdoms split, or why?

The Bible is a massive book.  Have you read it?  Have your friends?  Is anyone helping you understand it?  If not, how much of the Bible doesn’t exist for you?

You Can Be A Missionary For Christ

In our quest to reach out seek and save the lost, we often miss the most fruitful mission ground of all: the person in the pew next to us. Americans spend thousands of dollars to send missionaries around the world in an effort to spread the Gospel. Unfortunately, we frequently assume the people on either side of us already know the message they help fund with their tithes.

Start with a simple question: do you know the Gospel? You should be able to state it in about five sentences without quoting the Bible. Don’t spout off “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son, so that whosoever believeth in him might not perish, but have eternal life.” If you know what it means, say it in other words that aren’t loaded with assumed meaning. If you don’t know what it means, you really need to stop anything you’re doing in church and find out.

Add another question to this. Assuming you’ve just clearly stated the Gospel, when’s the last time you heard it clearly stated in your church? This is an important question. I’ve been in some churches where I could be there for years, and not hear the Gospel stated in a service. If you haven’t heard the Gospel recently, then odds are the person next to you hasn’t, either.

Now, let’s get tougher. Have you accepted the Gospel? Not just acknowledged it as a fact that is true, but incorporated it into your life? Have you committed yourself to seeking to be obedient to God? Do you life your life knowing that you are a sinner, whose life was paid for by Jesus? Do you understand that your sins deserve a punishment that was more extreme than the scourging and crucifixion as portrayed in The Passion of the Christ? Are you grateful for Jesus taking that punishment for you, or do you avoid the knowledge with a deep sense of shame?

Here is the ultimate question. Does your life show it? This isn’t about whether you go to church on Sunday morning, or whether you sing in the choir, or whether you sometimes make a mistake. This is about your deepest, core values. Do you read the Bible when no one’s watching? Do you limit the things you read on the Internet? Do you worry more about what people think about you, or what God thinks of you?

As you think about all these things, I want you to realize something very important. If you have troubles with these questions, how would the person next to you answer them? Do you know? Do you have any idea? Before you worry about making sure a missionary can make it to China, or Iraq, or the South Bronx, make sure you know where the person next to you stands. If you don’t know, do something radical: find out.

Why Do We Fund Church The Way We Do?

There is something that bothers me as I sit here.  It is the sense of wrongness that is inherent in how the church is run.  I speak of it as a single entity, even though I know there are multiple denominations, each with their own structure, hierachy, means of accountability, etc.  Everything feels wrong.

The concept of tithing is just one example of the sense of wrong that I have.  Iwould challenge you to look at the justifications that are used to explain why Christians are to tithe.  Consistently, the first place that pastors go is to the Old Testament.  The tithe was given to the priests, the sons of Levi.  In Numbers 18: 20-24 it is made clear that the priests, the Levites, were to receive the tithe instead of an inheritance of land.  However, we are not under the Law of the Old Testament that was given to the nation of Israel.  We are under a new convenant of Grace!  Moreover, we are all to be priests!  So then, to whom are we to tithe?  For that matter, do you see any pastors forswearing the right to own property in exchange for a tithe?  I didn’t think so.

Let’s look instead at the New Testament, in which we are to be in fellowship with one another and share EVERYTHING with each other.  Acts 2:44-46 shows a vision where people are pooling their resources and giving freely to one another as needs arise.  All the people were doing all the work.  Compare this with “the work of the church” in America today.  Many of those who are poor or in need don’t even go to the local church at all!  They go to the local welfare office.  We send missionaries to Peru, and Iraq, and France, forgetting that the uttermost ends of the Earth are just down the street.

Where does your tithe go?  Whose life do you touch with the money you place in the coffer?  Do you even know?  I can tell you the last time I remember touching someone’s life.  My wife and I went to Waffle House (not a classy joint, as I’m sure you could guess), and the waitress was clearly having a rough day.  For a meal that cost less than $20, we left a tip of either $10 or $20 (I can’t recall now).  We could just hear her reaction as we were stepping out the door.  Her life was touched.  She knew someone cared.  There was a face behind that money.  Who knows you care?  The church accountant?

I think we’ve forgetten that the Gospel is about having a personal relationship with Jesus.  We want to see people get saved, but we don’t want to get personal.  It’s messy!  Well, guess what.  Relationships are messy.  I should know, I’ve had a few of them over the years.  My mom, my dad, my wife, my sister, my friends, not a one of them has gone perfectly.  I have some regrets, but I’m better for having those relationships than not.  I cannot model Christ to a picture in a postcard.  Sure, I can send money, but the United States has been sending money to African nations for years to no avail.

Love isn’t about sending money someplace.  Love is what you do when your buddy calls you at 2am asking if you can run him to the hospital because he hurts too bad to walk.  Love is what you do when your girlfriend has a fever and you crash on the cot in case she needs you to get her something during the night.  Love is when you look a bum in the eye, and buy him a burger and a shake, and tell him who sent him food.  Love is when you give him $10 for dinner that night.

Relationships are messy things.  Love demands that you get right in the center of the messiest parts of people’s lives.  It’s a funny thing.  Jesus washed his disciples’ feet.  They stank, I promise you.  Jesus talked to an adulteress and forgave her, as well as telling her to knock it off.  Jesus hung out with a prostitute.  I think we’d find Jesus walking the streets, talking with hookers, drug addicts, and chewing out pastors if he were here today.

And while you think about the tithe, remember that it had to be the sole means of support for approximately 8% of the entire population of Israel.  Do you have that many of your church’s members working full time at your church?  I didn’t think so.  I bet you found that with around one in every twelve men a priest, there were a lot of small groups that gathered on Saturdays.  You couldn’t do business.  You couldn’t work, or watch football, or do a lot of other things.  I think people talked about God.  All day.  Together.  In small groups.

Can you name twelve people in your church that you could see hanging out with every Sunday afternoon?  I’m not talking about doing Sunday School for an extra long session, I’m talking about talking.  At some point, you’ll talk about your worries, your pains, your illnesses, everything.  And you’ll pray for each other and mean it.  Maybe you’ll gather some money when one of you breaks a leg, and find that you had $200 for food for the week.  And maybe, just maybe, you’ll have time to take turns cooking for your buddy as well.

I’d love to hear stories like this in churches, where people speak about it as a normal occurance.  Heck, you could invite a coworker to hang out on a Sunday afternoon.  It would be a radically different way of doing church.  It would be almost… Biblical.

Why Do We Do Church This Way?

Thinking about what church is like in America, and looking at how it’s described in the Bible, I have to ask a question.  Why?  Think about it: in almost every church in America, the main focus is people coming to a building on Sunday morning, singing some songs, listening to a preacher, and then leaving.  The types of songs vary by church, and some churches have extra gatherings throughout the week, but that’s about it.  Oh, and the number of times a month that communion is celebrated varies, too.

Contrast this with the Biblical model.  People met together in their homes.  When they had fellowship, they were friends.  They took interest in each others’ problems.  They shared their resources together.  Look at this, and contrast it with “doing church” in the US.

I think we did church last night.  My wife and I went to some friends’ house.  We took some food over, and our friends had some food.  We talked over dinner, and then spent time praying over our respective concerns.

I’m blessed with a wonderful father-in-law who hasn’t been to church in years.  He’s a great Christian man.  He reads his Bible daily.  He loves his wife and children.  He’s a man I can, and do, respect.

I don’t have an answer, but it feels like we’re doing it all wrong.  I think we’re supposed to be meeting together as friends.  We don’t need pastors, we need people who are willing to share what they know with those coming along behind them.  So the question becomes, what are we doing, and are we screwing it up?

The Lie of the Abandoning God

One of the things that Christians know is that there is a war for our hearts and minds.  God speaks to us with love and truth, Satan with hate and lies.  Unfortunately, many, if not most, non-Christians have no awareness of this fundamental truth.  What they tend to believe is that God does not exist,or if he does that he is far away.  They tend to believe there is no Satan.  They tend to believe that they are quite prepared to believe in God, if he would just reveal himself to them.

Unfortunately, most of this is just not true.  God speaks to us daily.  I think what most of us refer to as our conscience is actually God whispering to us.  “Don’t do that.  Do this.  This isn’t right.” Unfortunately, even if we acknowledge the correctness of the whisper, we often respond with, “What can it hurt?  That looks unpleasant.  But it feels good!”  We run from the words of our conscience.  We run from the voice of God straight into the arms of sin.

So, who left whom?  If God left us, why does our conscience keep tickling us?  Why do Christians pop up in the middle of our depravity to gently call us back?  The reality is we are offered a choice.  Do you want to choose God, or sex with the hot chick next to you at the bar (and why are you having your fifth drink in a bar anyway)?  Do you want to choose God, or smoke some pot?  Do you want to choose God, or keep the ten bucks in your wallet you could use to give that guy lunch?

Turning your back on God is easy, even for a Christian.  However, living with that truth is uncomfortable, to say the least.  It’s much easier to claim you haven’t heard from God.  It’s much easier to claim that God has abandoned you.  After all, if God quit on you, then you don’t really owe God any loyalty.  Unfortunately, God didn’t quit on you.  God didn’t quit on me,either.

I chose sex, power, abortion, selfishness, intelligence, friendship, and many other things over God.  Along with those, I got dissatisfaction, depression, loneliness, arrogance, and a sense of entitlement, among other things.  God, in contrast, gave me love, a wife, peace, security, friendship, joy, the ability to endure trials, and the ability to see truth.  When I was unsaved, I would do almost anything to hear the words “I love you.”  Now, I am loved, and I know it by how those who love me treat me.  Realizing that some did not love me has hurt, but the ability to know love, not just hear the claims that mask abuse, has made all the difference.

What have you chosen over God?  What are you thinking about choosing over God?  Will you get what is promised, or something far less?  God doesn’t abandon us.  We abandon him.  Turn back.  He’s there, waiting.

My Testimony

Warning: The following discusses some mature topics. Skip to the next entry if you’re easily offended or young.

I was recently asked several questions about what I believe about Jesus. The short and sweet version is that I believe Jesus is God, that he died to pay for my sins, which are the highest possible crimes against God: treason and rebellion. The more interesting question, however, is how I came to believe this, and what else I believe.

I feel a bit of conflict about how to tell my story. I have been advised in the past to not mention specific denominations of churches when discussing personal experiences. On the other hand, I think it is quite relevant. So, I will say this as I start: I will be talking about specific churches, specific pastors, etc. However, I think that there is a chance that some people may read what I have to say and recognize that there is a possibility for improvement.

I was raised from a small child in an Episcopal church. I don’t remember a lot about growing up. What I do recall was that the services were the same every week. Literally. They’re in the Book of Common Prayer. As a child, this quickly became boring, especially when most of the service was memorized. Unfortunately, I cannot recall learning what it was that made us Christians. I knew Jesus had died and been resurrected, but I didn’t know why. By around age 13, I was not sure God even existed.

At around this time, my parents also got divorced. I started going to church less often. I got exposed to Tarot cards, numerology (silly), and I Ching. Tarot was fascinating to me. Soon, I didn’t go to church at all, but instead was going to college. I majored in math, and minored in philosophy. In other words, I majored in logical thinking with a minor in logical thinking. In my third year, I started investigating religion again. I was fascinated by Native American totem worship. It seemed fascinating.

My first girl friend, in my second year of college, was into using “power” for combat. She was into the occult. Some variation on paganism. I started playing with it some, but couldn’t tell whether it was in my head or real. I didn’t have a way to test it.

Later, I also got involved with BDSM and got a new girl-friend. In the course of masochistic play, I experienced some animalistic thoughts/reactions. Pain will do that to you. It occurred to me to wonder if this was some sort of spirit. After a while, I was conversing with this “panther spirit”. Yes, “WingedPanther” is partially a result of that. At this time, I started seeing auras. The were related to health, and could be manipulated. I conducted some experiments with my girlfriend and was able to confirm that the manipulations did affect her. Moving pain around, relieving it, things like that. From there, I explored further. By the time I graduated, I was hanging out with self-proclaimed pagans and wiccans. We talked slightly differently, but were all doing the same things.

Being in the occult is a heady thing. You feel like you have this special power that most people don’t have. It makes you feel special, knowing that you can do things no one else can. At the same time, I was getting my monthly torture session to deal with how rotten I felt about myself. Power didn’t make me feel happy. At this point, I believed I was channeling a totem spirit, dueling imps, and generally “big man on campus” in the spiritual realm.

As I moved into grad school, I started to realize that I wasn’t in control of the spirit I was dealing with. By November of that year, I felt trapped and wanted to have no more dealings with that spirit. It wouldn’t leave. I couldn’t force it away. I didn’t have any power. On night, when I tried to make it go away, and failed, something else drove it away. I had the impression of a white light. I concluded it was God.

A friend lead me through the sinner’s prayer and told me I was saved around Christmas. It sounds great. There was a problem, though. I didn’t believe in Jesus, just some abstract God. On the following Palm Sunday, I felt prompted to go to the church across the street. They did a special drama about the sacrificial love of God. I wanted that love and came to the front of the church during the altar call. Again, I was told I was now saved. Again, I didn’t believe in Jesus, just a God that could love me.

During the year I was in that church, which was affiliated with the Assemblies of God, I was praised for what an inspiration I was and the remarkable growth I had shown. I got baptized after a year, and eventually came to accept that Jesus was real, and was the son of God. I left that church because I could not bring myself to witness during a witnessing campaign on campus. You see, I still wasn’t a Christian, and I couldn’t bring myself to witness.

Instead, I went back to the Episcopal church. I learned that whether the church is flashy with speaking in tongues, or reserved with ceremony, a church could feed its flock. I got my masters and moved. Things didn’t go well and I quit going to church. I got back into BDSM. I got angry at God. I wanted to get into the occult again, but knew that was a bad idea. Instead, I started running into Christians in weird places. At work, in BDSM chatrooms, just about anywhere. Don’t ask why they were in these places, but they were.

Meanwhile, my personal life was getting worse. I was broke. Someone I thought was my friend was extorting money from me. My food budget was $10-$20 dollars a week. Finally, I cried out to God for help. There was no doubt in my mind that He was real. This time, a Christian I met in a BDSM chat room lead me to Jesus and made sure I knew what I was praying. This was in early spring of 1999.

At this point, most people’s testimonies end. Mine doesn’t. I moved from Minnesota to South Carolina to start a new life. I floated between a few churches, all variations on Baptists. I also started reading like crazy. Evidence That Demands A Verdict, Kingdom of the Cults, and The Bible. I spent the next few years studying, learning as much as I could about Christianity.

I had faith, but I was in a form of Christianity that is not very appealing. What did I get? I got to go to church every Sunday morning. The only real advantage, from my perspective, was that there was teaching. I was learning about the groundwork of Christianity. One thing that I didn’t really learn about was the activities of the Holy Spirit.

That changed when I married my wife. She was raised in a Pentacostal church. She was used to seeing people get healed, speaking in tongues, etc. I had never seen anything more impressive than what sounded to me like babbling. Not long after we got married, our church fell apart. It’s still there, but the church got ripped in half with internal strife.

We spent a lot of time trying to find a new church. Methodist, Baptist, anything that looked vaguely sane. Finally, we saw a taped preaching and went to that church. It was similar to Pentacostal, and the teaching was sound. We went there for a few months. It was a church where anyone could walk in and be welcomed. We got revitalized and reminded that the Holy Spirit is real. Then we got invited to a Vineyard church. There, we found a strange church. The preaching was similar to a Southern Baptist church, but the expectation was that the Holy Spirit could and would act.

At the Vineyard, we learned more. We learned, and experienced, God acting in supernatural ways. I have had the honor of praying for my wife and friends and seeing them experience healing. Nothing major, but more than I would have every believed. I have heard God tell me things that I could not know, and show me visions of the future that I could not of predicted.

If someone were to ask me, how do you know Christianity is true, I could not point to anything but personal experience. However, when I read the book of Acts I see things described that correspond with my experiences. There are a lot of books on explaining why Christianity is true, and they are worth reading. I am a Christian because God called me. He called me for years. I studied the reasons to become a Christian AFTER I got saved.

There are intelligent men and women who know all the reasons to believe in God and Jesus, and manage not to. There are people who are firm believers, and could never begin to explain a rational reason to believe. When I was an atheist, I didn’t want to believe, but knew the Bible was special. I couldn’t read it, though. I saw arrogance and anger in it. Now I read peace and love.

If you believe there may be a God, pray to him and listen. Investigate, ask questions. If you are convinced there is no God, keep your eyes open for weird stuff.