Bacterial Science

One of the things that gets me is the way scientists assert or imply that, based on what they’ve discovered, God isn’t necessary. The result is that you have some scientists go so far as to assert there is no god. This lead me to think about how bacteria might view their world.

The scientists of dish 8 have been studying the nature of reality now for hundreds of generations. The existence of the nutrient we live in is easily explained by the simple fact that if it wasn’t here, neither would be. Since all chemical compounds are more or less equally likely to occur, it shouldn’t be surprising that there should be several discs of nutrient in this version of the universe. We’re sure there are other universes where it is less frequent or even non-existent.

Given that this nutrient exists with all the molecules of life, it’s hardly surprising that, given enough time, they should spontaneously come together as a bacteria. Once one bacteria was present, it was natural that it would reproduce.

The timing of the two extra-nutrient items was disturbing to many, and viewed as solid evidence for some greater intelligence. However, after careful observation, we have determined that both the “dipper” and the “poisoner” occur on extremely regular intervals. Based on this, we are certain that we will be able to discover purely natural explanations for their behavior. The dipper has enabled us to populate the other discs, and there have been very fruitful exchanges of RNA as a result of this.

The poisoner, on the other hand, periodically distributes toxic chemicals. While the result is mass death, we have always had a remnant that endures. It is fortunate that the poisoner only visits once every 250 generations. Some consider this evidence of a beneficent higher power, but this is clearly unwarranted. If it came more often, we would have been wiped out. The fact that it doesn’t visit more often is merely good fortune, and chance is acceptable for explaining this.

The balmy temperature is similarly viewed by some as a great benefit, but it is now known that a higher or lower temperature would inhibit our growth rate. However, it is natural that we would adjust to the temperature that exists. As can be clearly seen, while some would argue that there must be a higher power, there is simply no reason to assume such a thing from the evidence provided.


At this point, Dr. Hertzfeld smiled in satisfaction. After thousands of generations, he had successfully created a strain of acidopholous that was immune to all antibiotics currently on the market. This would enable people to take it and not suffer the negative effects of a weakened intestinal system when sick and on antibiotics. With that, he removed the twelve petri dishes from the incubator and placed them in the refrigerator.


One Response to “Bacterial Science”

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